Hi. Hello. I am still alive…

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…and SOBERAF 🙂

Summer is such a crazy time in our house! Boosk is on summer vacation and it is also B and I’s most busy times of the year at work. So I have been working mad crazy hours and when I am not trying to catch up on sleep, spend as much time outside with Boosk, and go to meetings.

I hit 6 months sober on the 11th of this month.
It is crazy. I am diagnosed BiPolar and it is just insane how being sober allows me to feel and be more aware of my manic and depressive states. I have the sound mind to know when I am in a depressive state and tell myself that it will be over soon. It also makes them less intense, which I am a big fan of.

I got into a wicked bike accident a week ago. My brakes failed and I bashed up my leg and ankle pretty bad. It all ended well though as I got a new bike out of the deal.

I also have been busy with a project that is pretty near and dear to my heart and soul. I have mentioned before I work in a bar and am in sobriety court and am trying to maintain my sobriety and recovery. Very many well meaning people have told me that I will have to leave my industry to fully recover. That being surrounded by alcohol will not allow me to recovery 100%. So I started a bar/restaurant recovery group.
It is a faith free recovery group for people surrounded by alcohol on the daily that are trying to achieve and maintain sobriety. Our first meeting is at the end of this month and I have gotten so much response from it already! People are sharing it like crazy. I got interviewed by the local webzine.
I AM SO EXCITED.

But alas, I just realized I have cheese in my hair and have to be to work soon.

Happy SOBER Sunday my nuggets.

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My life has become a whirlwind of probation meetings, court ordered AA meetings, court dates, and counseling meetings. Sometimes it gets almost unmanageable. Boosk leaves for school at 7:30am and I have to leave ASAP to make it to testing on time. Then to my 9am AA meeting and then to any other court ordered appointments. Plus Boosk has soccer and any other school related activities. It is exhausting. I am pretty tired all the time. I am trying to work out and go to the gym as well but sometimes it gets hard. Oh did I mention I still have to bike everywhere because I don’t have a car/can’t IMG_2565drive still.

Also, my tiny panther kitty Katara died very suddenly yesterday. She was fine when B and I left in the morning. My brother and I found her dead in the afternoon. Boosk and I did not handle it well. She was our baby. I miss her already. We are going to bury her in the yard. Boosk really wants another cat, but we still have 3. I want him to properly mourn her before he tries to replace her right away.

Photo on 5-23-17 at 1.45 PMSorry, I just needed a minute to whine.
Other than the crazy schedule and the poor Katara business life has been decent.  I am meeting my new psych doctor in the next month and starting new bipolar meds. I am looking forward to that. It is getting hard to deal with my depressive states more and more. I met my court ordered counselor today. She is nice. We started talking about long term sobriety. People in my AA meetings talk about being sober for 30-40+ years 😶 I love how amazing I feel currently being sober. Waking up hangover free. Losing weight. My moods are much more balanced-ish. I know I have at least a year of “forced” sobriety. After that… After that I have NO idea where my life will go. Thinking about NEVER drinking another IPA or a whiskey makes me anxious. I guess that is why they say, one day at a time, right? She wants me to read Staying Sober: A Guide for Relapse Prevention and we can discuss it in our sessions.

Today is 131 days and I am looking forward to 131 more.

 

Dear lovely urine collector lady,

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I am sorry that your hawk like gaze made it hard for me to pee. I am sorry it took all 3 of my tries even after chugging 2 water bottles and a cup of coffee. I am sorry you have to spend your day watching people pee into tiny cups. I am sorry you were obviously having a bad day. I hope it gets better. I hope you get to go home, shower, and leave the pee behind.

100 god damn sober days. fuck.

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afternoon-inspiration-5
I have grown up drinking. I started when I was 18ish and never really stopped. 9 months when I was pregnant. A week or two here and there. I am 30 with 2 DUIs, a failed 7 year relationship, and absolutely no healthy coping mechanisms to speak of. I guess it is time to get

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☕️🌯

my life together and maybe learn how people live life on the sober side.

This ride has been up and down. A week or two of bliss followed by bouts of self loathing, depression, and doubt. But I am here. I show up to Boosk’s games sober and excited to be there. He doesn’t miss doctors appointments. He isn’t tardy to school. I don’t wake up every morning with dread of how I am going to make it through the day and constant guilt of what I did the night before. My bank account is fuller and bills are getting paid on time.

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13 mile bike ride to celebrate the day

I have a pretty awesome dude who does his best to help me through this. Sometimes I really don’t know how he handles my insane mood swings and being my personal driver. But he does and I will be forever grateful. My son will never wake up at 5am wondering where I am again. He will never have to wake me up for school. He will never have to worry that I might not come home or watch me be arrested ever again.

I will continue to take this one day at a time. Single 24 hour blocks of time are seem doable. I have met some pretty cool people on this road. And lost some people I thought were important in my life. People who I have realized need their own help and will realize that in their own time. This road is a lot of realizations.

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sweaty and happy 😆

– Getting sober does NOT solve all of your problems. It just gives you a clear head to deal with them in a better state of mind.
– Clearing your head of the booze fog will make you see people in a completely different light. Some of those people were never your friends. They were drinking buddies. People you have nothing in common with but your love of the sauce.
– Real friends, honest to goodness, want nothing from you but love and support, friends are hard to come by. And when they do, hold on to them as hard as you can.
– YOU CAN HAVE FUN WHILE YOU ARE SOBER! This was probably the hardest thing for me to realize. The “fun” I was having with my “friends” was a sham. A lie I perpetuated to myself as a excuse for my drinking. Fun now has a different meaning. Playing soccer with Boosk. Bike rides and snuggles and family game nights.
– Waking up NOT hungover is one of the most glorious feelings in the world.
– Relapse dreams are the exact opposite.

Here’s to getting sober and staying that way. To seeing the world in a clear new light.

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99 days a mountain of stress.

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Tomorrow is 100 sober 😮😧😦😯

I got back from my second “weekend” in jail last night. B picked me up and we got burritos and all the caffeine. That dude sure knows the way to my heart. It was nice to be home and see him and the kitties and Boosk. I miss them all when I am “in the clink”. I have met a couple girls who were in for the same change who 1. got way more time and 2. had to serve it consecutively. Makes me realize how lucky I got off in this situation. But seeing all those girls facing YEARS in jail and prison makes me realize I don’t ever want to go back there. I asked B if he was ever going to leave me becasue of this crap and he asked if I planned on going back to drinking once my probation in up. I didn’t really have to think, the answer was no. I can’t socially drink. I can’t just have a couple. I am not wired that way. And when I drink I do some really asinine shit. I am enjoying shedding weight and waking up clear headed. I love being able to hang out with the kiddo and run around and not be sickly hungover.

My bank account over drafted while I was in. I forgot I had a check com

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i woke up like this.

ing out and e-deposited one to cover it too late. I love throwing away 50$ 🙄🤥 I got a call Monday saying my PO was out of town/unavalible and my meeting with her Thursday (today) was cancled and if I needed to talk with someone to call this other lady. I called to let her know I was using my inhaer again just incase for some reason it showed on any of my test. She, I guess, did NOT get the memo I would be in jail Wednesday morning and therefore could NOT call to see if my color was called (it was) or go and drop. So that was a fun voicemail to listen to upon being released.

Boosk is not having an easy time moving. He is happy he doesn’t live in an apartment anymore. Happy he has a yard. He is not happy that he has to go to his dad’s in the middle of the week while mommy has to be out of town. I will be SOOOOOOO glad when this is over. Two more weeks.

This is the part where people tell you that it gets easier and shit like that. But guess what, getting sober doesn’t solve all of your problems. Just makes you more clear headed to deal with them. They will still be there needing to be dealt with. Quitting the sauce just gives you the mindset to deal with them and get your life straight. You are still going to have shit days where you just want to slam a beer and forget about all of lives stupid issues. Money. Love. Bills. But guess what, you won’t becasue you will remember what happens. The week long bender. The even more unpaid bills. More fights with your SO.

So guess what, I will not drink with you today.

worst weekend ever

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I think I am finally recovered from the weekend. AFter sleeping most of Monday and eating some of my feelings and killing myself at the gym and watching lots of Sword Art Online.
Work was, well there are no words to describe how bad work was. Yes I made money, but at the cost of my sanity and soul.
My mom was supposed to watch Boosk for the weekend. She however decided that getting wasted was more important. After being asked countless times to NOT drink while she has him she decided that she was a “grown adult” and could do whatever she wanted. I didn’t want to take the chance so he just stayed at his dad’s house. Normally that wouldn’t be an issue, but he had to work so Boosk was there with his wife all weekend. They do not get along. We have polar opposite ways on how we raise our kids and she does not know how to deal with a kid who has ADHD. Cue me being power called by him while I am getting rocked at work.giphy

Sunday night, after closing (2am) after expecting to be done by midnight I just wanted to go home and crash. Of course I didn’t have my bike and there was not a Lyft or Uber in site. An old coworker offered me a ride home. I had the biggest drunken crush on this guy. He was a straight up asshole and I loved it. He wouldn’t give me the time of day when he was sober but as soon as he was drunk I was his favorite person. He asked a little about what made me get sober. I told him I just needed a break. 15 years in this industry means 15 years of heavy drinking. I wasn’t trying to die before I was 50. He kept saying he needed to quit drinking, that he hated himself when he was drunk. And then he apologized for everything that happened between us. The way he treated me. They way he used me. I deserved better from him. From myself.
Drunk Nanc would have brushed it off, told him no big deal.
But I’m not drunk.
So I didn’t brush it off.
Instead I said “Yeah I do deserve better than you.”giphy1

It was an awkward ride after that.

But I do deserve better. From him, from myself. And it is time I demand it and don’t accept anything less.

Today Boosk had a “Welcome to our Classroom” music performance. It was adorable and made my heart sing with joy. Moments like this make me so grateful and happy and proud that I am not drunk/hungover anymore. I was able to enjoy all the squeaky recorders and off key songs with a smile on my face instead of a splitting headache.

76 DAYS SOBER

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How open should you be with your kids about your drinking problems, recovery, struggles, etc. I know it depends on the age. Boosk is 8. We have always had a “read/watch watch what you want” policy. My mom never sensored me when I was younger and I was very grateful. Yeah I read and watched some scary shit, but she was always there to answer any questions, calm any fear I may have had.

I had to go to a victim’s impact panel (see the gnarly graphic video I had to watch below) for my sentance. Boosk got drug along as I didn’t have a sitter. He sat in the hallway but was very inquisitive about what it was and why I had to go. I explained to him that it was a V.I.P. showing the bad things that can happen if you chose to drink and drive and that mommy had made some mistakes so she had to go to be reminded of what those consequences could be. We talked a little about how drinking and driving could lead you to go to jail, lose your license, or even not be able to drive ever again. And that was that, we were on to pokemon go and bike rides.

I guess the question is, how did you handle talking to your kiddos about it. Or did you? Did you let them come to you or sit them down?