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My life has become a whirlwind of probation meetings, court ordered AA meetings, court dates, and counseling meetings. Sometimes it gets almost unmanageable. Boosk leaves for school at 7:30am and I have to leave ASAP to make it to testing on time. Then to my 9am AA meeting and then to any other court ordered appointments. Plus Boosk has soccer and any other school related activities. It is exhausting. I am pretty tired all the time. I am trying to work out and go to the gym as well but sometimes it gets hard. Oh did I mention I still have to bike everywhere because I don’t have a car/can’t IMG_2565drive still.

Also, my tiny panther kitty Katara died very suddenly yesterday. She was fine when B and I left in the morning. My brother and I found her dead in the afternoon. Boosk and I did not handle it well. She was our baby. I miss her already. We are going to bury her in the yard. Boosk really wants another cat, but we still have 3. I want him to properly mourn her before he tries to replace her right away.

Photo on 5-23-17 at 1.45 PMSorry, I just needed a minute to whine.
Other than the crazy schedule and the poor Katara business life has been decent.  I am meeting my new psych doctor in the next month and starting new bipolar meds. I am looking forward to that. It is getting hard to deal with my depressive states more and more. I met my court ordered counselor today. She is nice. We started talking about long term sobriety. People in my AA meetings talk about being sober for 30-40+ years 😶 I love how amazing I feel currently being sober. Waking up hangover free. Losing weight. My moods are much more balanced-ish. I know I have at least a year of “forced” sobriety. After that… After that I have NO idea where my life will go. Thinking about NEVER drinking another IPA or a whiskey makes me anxious. I guess that is why they say, one day at a time, right? She wants me to read Staying Sober: A Guide for Relapse Prevention and we can discuss it in our sessions.

Today is 131 days and I am looking forward to 131 more.

 

100 god damn sober days. fuck.

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I have grown up drinking. I started when I was 18ish and never really stopped. 9 months when I was pregnant. A week or two here and there. I am 30 with 2 DUIs, a failed 7 year relationship, and absolutely no healthy coping mechanisms to speak of. I guess it is time to get

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☕️🌯

my life together and maybe learn how people live life on the sober side.

This ride has been up and down. A week or two of bliss followed by bouts of self loathing, depression, and doubt. But I am here. I show up to Boosk’s games sober and excited to be there. He doesn’t miss doctors appointments. He isn’t tardy to school. I don’t wake up every morning with dread of how I am going to make it through the day and constant guilt of what I did the night before. My bank account is fuller and bills are getting paid on time.

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13 mile bike ride to celebrate the day

I have a pretty awesome dude who does his best to help me through this. Sometimes I really don’t know how he handles my insane mood swings and being my personal driver. But he does and I will be forever grateful. My son will never wake up at 5am wondering where I am again. He will never have to wake me up for school. He will never have to worry that I might not come home or watch me be arrested ever again.

I will continue to take this one day at a time. Single 24 hour blocks of time are seem doable. I have met some pretty cool people on this road. And lost some people I thought were important in my life. People who I have realized need their own help and will realize that in their own time. This road is a lot of realizations.

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sweaty and happy 😆

– Getting sober does NOT solve all of your problems. It just gives you a clear head to deal with them in a better state of mind.
– Clearing your head of the booze fog will make you see people in a completely different light. Some of those people were never your friends. They were drinking buddies. People you have nothing in common with but your love of the sauce.
– Real friends, honest to goodness, want nothing from you but love and support, friends are hard to come by. And when they do, hold on to them as hard as you can.
– YOU CAN HAVE FUN WHILE YOU ARE SOBER! This was probably the hardest thing for me to realize. The “fun” I was having with my “friends” was a sham. A lie I perpetuated to myself as a excuse for my drinking. Fun now has a different meaning. Playing soccer with Boosk. Bike rides and snuggles and family game nights.
– Waking up NOT hungover is one of the most glorious feelings in the world.
– Relapse dreams are the exact opposite.

Here’s to getting sober and staying that way. To seeing the world in a clear new light.

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more time

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When I was in the midst of my drinking career I slept passed out, a lot. I would get out at midnight on a Friday night, get plastered, and sleep till the last possible second before work on Saturday night. Doing anything before a shift was impossible. I was too exhausted. Too hung over. A waste of space.

In the last 81 days I have noticed that I have so much time for activities! I worked till 1am on Saturday morning got up at 9am and went car shopping with B and then went to work. I wasn’t exhausted. I wasn’t crabby. Just a normal day. I closed last night and didn’t get home till 3am. It is 11am now and I am awake and ready to tackle the day. While I might not be doing anything but drinking coffee and watching anime (Future Diaries), I am awake (hey working till 3am is exhausting). Not passed out in a whiskey comma.

It has been nice having extra time.
Time to relax before work.
Time to hang out with my kiddo.
Time.

 

days like this

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I am laying here in bed with my son passed out next to me, thinking about the day, almost in tears. And as I process the feelings I am having and wonder why I am so emotional, I realize, these are happy tears. I had a wonderful day. I haven’t felt like this in a long time.

I spent the day with Chels and baby Hank. We just “adulted” and drank coffee together.Having someone you can do absolutely nothing with is probably the one thing I would recommend to anyone in recovery. They let you just sit in silence and spew whatever comes to mind and don’t force you to do anything but just be. She listened to all the feelings I have been having the last couple weeks. Depression, apathy, exhaustion, sadness, and just reminded me that it is all temporary, that I am making progress.

I surprised the baby tonight by not having to work. We decided that the Spring Equinox needed to be celebrated with cake and ice cream. 20170320_180053_1490047636421Boosk even got to pick it out. B came over after work and helped us celebrate and hung out for a bit. We have both been so stressed and it has been a long week without seeing him so I was happy to snuggle him even for an hour. Boosk weaseled his way into bed with me (like it is so hard). He spent the weekend at his dad’s and he is usually pretty mom needy when he gets home.

Days like this make recovery easy. Screenshot_20170320-225658
Days like this make me think that it will all be okay.
Days like this are what I need to think about when I am down in the trenches fighting for every hour sober.