My life has become a whirlwind of probation meetings, court ordered AA meetings, court dates, and counseling meetings. Sometimes it gets almost unmanageable. Boosk leaves for school at 7:30am and I have to leave ASAP to make it to testing on time. Then to my 9am AA meeting and then to any other court ordered appointments. Plus Boosk has soccer and any other school related activities. It is exhausting. I am pretty tired all the time. I am trying to work out and go to the gym as well but sometimes it gets hard. Oh did I mention I still have to bike everywhere because I don’t have a car/can’t drive still.
Also, my tiny panther kitty Katara died very suddenly yesterday. She was fine when B and I left in the morning. My brother and I found her dead in the afternoon. Boosk and I did not handle it well. She was our baby. I miss her already. We are going to bury her in the yard. Boosk really wants another cat, but we still have 3. I want him to properly mourn her before he tries to replace her right away.
Sorry, I just needed a minute to whine.
Other than the crazy schedule and the poor Katara business life has been decent. I am meeting my new psych doctor in the next month and starting new bipolar meds. I am looking forward to that. It is getting hard to deal with my depressive states more and more. I met my court ordered counselor today. She is nice. We started talking about long term sobriety. People in my AA meetings talk about being sober for 30-40+ years 😶 I love how amazing I feel currently being sober. Waking up hangover free. Losing weight. My moods are much more balanced-ish. I know I have at least a year of “forced” sobriety. After that… After that I have NO idea where my life will go. Thinking about NEVER drinking another IPA or a whiskey makes me anxious. I guess that is why they say, one day at a time, right? She wants me to read Staying Sober: A Guide for Relapse Prevention and we can discuss it in our sessions.
Today is 131 days and I am looking forward to 131 more.
I am trying to get my life together and see the good in being sober.
And most of the time I succeed.
But sometimes when I am letting my mind wander “how much longer” will pop up in bold font and assault me for all its worth.
“When will this sentence end”
“When do we get to join those people at the bar again”
“When do we get to get day drunk again”
Sometimes the thoughts are so strong they result in a physical manifestation. I will get hit by them so hard I stop dead in my tracks like I just got sucker punched. In those seconds it is hard to rationalize why I am sober. I see my old drinking buddies sitting in my old spot. Laughing, having fun. Like I used to. And in that second all I can think about is how miserable I am. How stressed and anxious. And how just one beer will fix it all. Thankfully they normally pass quickly. And I remember how amazing my body feels, how much hangovers suck, and go back to being my happy self.
But man, those seconds…
I have been slacking on my fitness due to the move. It is time to start getting back at it. Bike riding everywhere and morning runs. Endorphins always make me feel better.
Last night I got out of work and B picked me up by 1100pm.
We stopped to get milkshakes on the way home and lounged watching the new Bill Nye show on netflix. In bed by 1am.
It was a surreal feeling.
100 days ago I would have stayed after work and got plastered. Probably convinced myself that I was ok to drive. Woken up with a massive hangover. And been pissed that I had to wake up early for Boosk’s soccer game at 11 this morning.
It was a beautiful sunny Saturday for soccer.
The kiddo scored 3 goals and was ecstatic.
I have grown up drinking. I started when I was 18ish and never really stopped. 9 months when I was pregnant. A week or two here and there. I am 30 with 2 DUIs, a failed 7 year relationship, and absolutely no healthy coping mechanisms to speak of. I guess it is time to get
my life together and maybe learn how people live life on the sober side.
This ride has been up and down. A week or two of bliss followed by bouts of self loathing, depression, and doubt. But I am here. I show up to Boosk’s games sober and excited to be there. He doesn’t miss doctors appointments. He isn’t tardy to school. I don’t wake up every morning with dread of how I am going to make it through the day and constant guilt of what I did the night before. My bank account is fuller and bills are getting paid on time.
13 mile bike ride to celebrate the day
I have a pretty awesome dude who does his best to help me through this. Sometimes I really don’t know how he handles my insane mood swings and being my personal driver. But he does and I will be forever grateful. My son will never wake up at 5am wondering where I am again. He will never have to wake me up for school. He will never have to worry that I might not come home or watch me be arrested ever again.
I will continue to take this one day at a time. Single 24 hour blocks of time are seem doable. I have met some pretty cool people on this road. And lost some people I thought were important in my life. People who I have realized need their own help and will realize that in their own time. This road is a lot of realizations.
sweaty and happy 😆
– Getting sober does NOT solve all of your problems. It just gives you a clear head to deal with them in a better state of mind.
– Clearing your head of the booze fog will make you see people in a completely different light. Some of those people were never your friends. They were drinking buddies. People you have nothing in common with but your love of the sauce.
– Real friends, honest to goodness, want nothing from you but love and support, friends are hard to come by. And when they do, hold on to them as hard as you can.
– YOU CAN HAVE FUN WHILE YOU ARE SOBER! This was probably the hardest thing for me to realize. The “fun” I was having with my “friends” was a sham. A lie I perpetuated to myself as a excuse for my drinking. Fun now has a different meaning. Playing soccer with Boosk. Bike rides and snuggles and family game nights.
– Waking up NOT hungover is one of the most glorious feelings in the world.
– Relapse dreams are the exact opposite.
Here’s to getting sober and staying that way. To seeing the world in a clear new light.
I got back from my second “weekend” in jail last night. B picked me up and we got burritos and all the caffeine. That dude sure knows the way to my heart. It was nice to be home and see him and the kitties and Boosk. I miss them all when I am “in the clink”. I have met a couple girls who were in for the same change who 1. got way more time and 2. had to serve it consecutively. Makes me realize how lucky I got off in this situation. But seeing all those girls facing YEARS in jail and prison makes me realize I don’t ever want to go back there. I asked B if he was ever going to leave me becasue of this crap and he asked if I planned on going back to drinking once my probation in up. I didn’t really have to think, the answer was no. I can’t socially drink. I can’t just have a couple. I am not wired that way. And when I drink I do some really asinine shit. I am enjoying shedding weight and waking up clear headed. I love being able to hang out with the kiddo and run around and not be sickly hungover.
My bank account over drafted while I was in. I forgot I had a check com
i woke up like this.
ing out and e-deposited one to cover it too late. I love throwing away 50$ 🙄🤥 I got a call Monday saying my PO was out of town/unavalible and my meeting with her Thursday (today) was cancled and if I needed to talk with someone to call this other lady. I called to let her know I was using my inhaer again just incase for some reason it showed on any of my test. She, I guess, did NOT get the memo I would be in jail Wednesday morning and therefore could NOT call to see if my color was called (it was) or go and drop. So that was a fun voicemail to listen to upon being released.
Boosk is not having an easy time moving. He is happy he doesn’t live in an apartment anymore. Happy he has a yard. He is not happy that he has to go to his dad’s in the middle of the week while mommy has to be out of town. I will be SOOOOOOO glad when this is over. Two more weeks.
This is the part where people tell you that it gets easier and shit like that. But guess what, getting sober doesn’t solve all of your problems. Just makes you more clear headed to deal with them. They will still be there needing to be dealt with. Quitting the sauce just gives you the mindset to deal with them and get your life straight. You are still going to have shit days where you just want to slam a beer and forget about all of lives stupid issues. Money. Love. Bills. But guess what, you won’t becasue you will remember what happens. The week long bender. The even more unpaid bills. More fights with your SO.
I wen to court last week.
– 48 hours of community service
– 10 days in jail (time served leaves 8)
– Sobriety court*
– Hundreds of dollars in fines
I spent my first “weekend” in jail last night. I go in at 8am on Tuesday and get out on 5pm on Wednesday. It is scary and extremely boring. Being stuck in the cell was a lot of just wondering what time it was, napping, or watching cars drive by. When we were allowed out in to the “day room” where there was a clock it was a lot of me thinking about what I would be doing if I was at home. And missing Boosk and B so much it hurt. Being there made me realize I don’t ever want to do anything that will land me there. Ever again. I didn’t really talk to anyone. Which apparently made everyone want to talk to me. Orange is the New Black did not properly prepare me for what it would be like. A lot of girls were in for retail fraud and/or drugs. One girl was going through some nasty withdrawal and another girl got busted for smuggling in coke. I couldn’t imagine being there for the 20 straight days my bunk mate was looking at. I am currently back home in my own bed with my small child snuggled up next to me already getting panicky over having to go back in 5 days. I will go about my business of work and moving and soccer practice and try not to dwell on the fact.
I go in to talk to my probation officer tomorrow. I get to find out more about sobriety court*. It sounds intense and kind of terrifying, I have to call every morning and if they call my color I have to go drop. Most people get mandated to go to a certain number of AA meetings per week. But hey, at least I will get to get my license back after the 45 day hard suspension.
Between moving, work, dealing with J (baby daddy), and this weekend jail crap I am super stressed. The cravings are there, but knowing the consequences keeps me straight. I don’t want to spend a single night in that freezing cell more then I have to.
This business ain’t for the faint of heart
I fell for the bullshit
Then I started falling apart
And by the end of the summer
I let ’em get the best of me
What a god damn bummer
What a waste of my energy
My high school boyfriend, the only guy I had every loved, the guy I wanted to marry had just called and told me he slept with my best friends little sister the week prior at his going away party. My roommate suggested we drink about it.
That’s what we did.
We drank about things.
Good nights at work.
Bad nights at work.
You get the picture. Our house was the one that was never locked, always had beer in the fridge, tequila in the freezer, and if you showed up at any time, we were ready to party.
There was a ton of people from work over. This adorable couple that worked with us stopped by. She had to leave early but he decided to say. I should note I couldn’t remember his name if you put a gun to my head, but I will forever remember her name was Brittany. There was beer. A lot of beer. And tequila. Even more tequila. I remember coming out of my black out sitting on the couch in my room, my roommate saying “I can’t believe you fucked him!”. I was hysterical. I didn’t don’t remember a thing. How do you have sex! with someone and not remember.
Sadly that was not the first time I wouldn’t remember a sexual encounter. I once came out of a black out mid sex with a bouncer from the club I frequented. This was not an individual I would have soberly pursued let alone jumped in the sack with. I have woken up in strangers beds (guys and girls) with not a shred of an idea of what took place the night before. Sometimes fully dressed, more times not.
This all transpired before I was 21. Before I was even legally allowed to make the decision to consume alcohol.
Binge drinking and blacking out is not part of the college experience. Waking up next to a stranger without your panties and having to go to planned parenthood for a std test and the morning after pill is not part of the college experience. Looking back at sexual encounters and wondering if that might have been date rape is not part of the college experience.