My life has become a whirlwind of probation meetings, court ordered AA meetings, court dates, and counseling meetings. Sometimes it gets almost unmanageable. Boosk leaves for school at 7:30am and I have to leave ASAP to make it to testing on time. Then to my 9am AA meeting and then to any other court ordered appointments. Plus Boosk has soccer and any other school related activities. It is exhausting. I am pretty tired all the time. I am trying to work out and go to the gym as well but sometimes it gets hard. Oh did I mention I still have to bike everywhere because I don’t have a car/can’t drive still.
Also, my tiny panther kitty Katara died very suddenly yesterday. She was fine when B and I left in the morning. My brother and I found her dead in the afternoon. Boosk and I did not handle it well. She was our baby. I miss her already. We are going to bury her in the yard. Boosk really wants another cat, but we still have 3. I want him to properly mourn her before he tries to replace her right away.
Sorry, I just needed a minute to whine.
Other than the crazy schedule and the poor Katara business life has been decent. I am meeting my new psych doctor in the next month and starting new bipolar meds. I am looking forward to that. It is getting hard to deal with my depressive states more and more. I met my court ordered counselor today. She is nice. We started talking about long term sobriety. People in my AA meetings talk about being sober for 30-40+ years 😶 I love how amazing I feel currently being sober. Waking up hangover free. Losing weight. My moods are much more balanced-ish. I know I have at least a year of “forced” sobriety. After that… After that I have NO idea where my life will go. Thinking about NEVER drinking another IPA or a whiskey makes me anxious. I guess that is why they say, one day at a time, right? She wants me to read Staying Sober: A Guide for Relapse Prevention and we can discuss it in our sessions.
Today is 131 days and I am looking forward to 131 more.
I got back from my second “weekend” in jail last night. B picked me up and we got burritos and all the caffeine. That dude sure knows the way to my heart. It was nice to be home and see him and the kitties and Boosk. I miss them all when I am “in the clink”. I have met a couple girls who were in for the same change who 1. got way more time and 2. had to serve it consecutively. Makes me realize how lucky I got off in this situation. But seeing all those girls facing YEARS in jail and prison makes me realize I don’t ever want to go back there. I asked B if he was ever going to leave me becasue of this crap and he asked if I planned on going back to drinking once my probation in up. I didn’t really have to think, the answer was no. I can’t socially drink. I can’t just have a couple. I am not wired that way. And when I drink I do some really asinine shit. I am enjoying shedding weight and waking up clear headed. I love being able to hang out with the kiddo and run around and not be sickly hungover.
My bank account over drafted while I was in. I forgot I had a check com
i woke up like this.
ing out and e-deposited one to cover it too late. I love throwing away 50$ 🙄🤥 I got a call Monday saying my PO was out of town/unavalible and my meeting with her Thursday (today) was cancled and if I needed to talk with someone to call this other lady. I called to let her know I was using my inhaer again just incase for some reason it showed on any of my test. She, I guess, did NOT get the memo I would be in jail Wednesday morning and therefore could NOT call to see if my color was called (it was) or go and drop. So that was a fun voicemail to listen to upon being released.
Boosk is not having an easy time moving. He is happy he doesn’t live in an apartment anymore. Happy he has a yard. He is not happy that he has to go to his dad’s in the middle of the week while mommy has to be out of town. I will be SOOOOOOO glad when this is over. Two more weeks.
This is the part where people tell you that it gets easier and shit like that. But guess what, getting sober doesn’t solve all of your problems. Just makes you more clear headed to deal with them. They will still be there needing to be dealt with. Quitting the sauce just gives you the mindset to deal with them and get your life straight. You are still going to have shit days where you just want to slam a beer and forget about all of lives stupid issues. Money. Love. Bills. But guess what, you won’t becasue you will remember what happens. The week long bender. The even more unpaid bills. More fights with your SO.
I am laying here in bed with my son passed out next to me, thinking about the day, almost in tears. And as I process the feelings I am having and wonder why I am so emotional, I realize, these are happy tears. I had a wonderful day. I haven’t felt like this in a long time.
I spent the day with Chels and baby Hank. We just “adulted” and drank coffee together.Having someone you can do absolutely nothing with is probably the one thing I would recommend to anyone in recovery. They let you just sit in silence and spew whatever comes to mind and don’t force you to do anything but just be. She listened to all the feelings I have been having the last couple weeks. Depression, apathy, exhaustion, sadness, and just reminded me that it is all temporary, that I am making progress.
I surprised the baby tonight by not having to work. We decided that the Spring Equinox needed to be celebrated with cake and ice cream. Boosk even got to pick it out. B came over after work and helped us celebrate and hung out for a bit. We have both been so stressed and it has been a long week without seeing him so I was happy to snuggle him even for an hour. Boosk weaseled his way into bed with me (like it is so hard). He spent the weekend at his dad’s and he is usually pretty mom needy when he gets home.
Days like this make recovery easy. Days like this make me think that it will all be okay. Days like this are what I need to think about when I am down in the trenches fighting for every hour sober.
The first month of my sobriety was perfect. Everything was shiney and new and NO HANGOVERS! I was feeling emotions for the first time in a long time. I was on cloud nine. The second month… garbage. The newness has worn off. I am bored. The cravings are still there. While less intense throughout the day, they sneak up on me and hit my like a mack truck leaving me breathless. I guess they say “the pink cloud has worn off”. I am in the midst of moving
cheer up buttercup
and I am feeling suffocated in my apartment. Court dates are looming and giving me mass anxiety. Blah, blah, whine, blah. I could go on about this and that and how awful it is right now. But honestly, IT’S NOT THAT BAD. I have a job with managers who are willing to work with me and my situations. I have a job that allows me to pay my bills. I have a boyfriend who, while can be a bone head sometimes, loves me and is 900% supportive of the fact that I am about to do some time in the clink. My son is loved and fed and healthy. My friends are amazing.
I am using this change in the season to force myself into a new perspective.
Life is in fact, NOT. THAT. BAD.
Take my sobriety day by day.
Live in the moment.
Get out of the house.
I went to a show last night. More importantly, my first show since getting sober.
I love shows. But I’ve been to many a shows I could not tell you a single song they played. It was a surreal experience to go to the show. Be in the pit. Sing every song. And go home to bed directly after. On SPD even.
There is something cathartic about punk rock shows. Getting half crushed in the pit. Kicked in the head by crowd surfers. Going deaf from the whole venue screaming every word. But my favorite part, feeling every note played in your head and heart.