new kind of fridays

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Last night I got out of work and B picked me up by 1100pm.
We stopped to get milkshakes on the way home and lounged watching the new Bill Nye show on netflix. In bed by 1am.
It was a surreal feeling.18051703_10101864614844101_85434673_n
100 days ago I would have stayed after work and got plastered. Probably convinced myself that I was ok to drive. Woken up with a massive hangover. And been pissed that I had to wake up early for Boosk’s soccer game at 11 this morning.
It was a beautiful sunny Saturday for soccer.
The kiddo scored 3 goals and was ecstatic.

This new kinda life isn’t so bad.
101 days.

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100 god damn sober days. fuck.

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afternoon-inspiration-5
I have grown up drinking. I started when I was 18ish and never really stopped. 9 months when I was pregnant. A week or two here and there. I am 30 with 2 DUIs, a failed 7 year relationship, and absolutely no healthy coping mechanisms to speak of. I guess it is time to get

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☕️🌯

my life together and maybe learn how people live life on the sober side.

This ride has been up and down. A week or two of bliss followed by bouts of self loathing, depression, and doubt. But I am here. I show up to Boosk’s games sober and excited to be there. He doesn’t miss doctors appointments. He isn’t tardy to school. I don’t wake up every morning with dread of how I am going to make it through the day and constant guilt of what I did the night before. My bank account is fuller and bills are getting paid on time.

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13 mile bike ride to celebrate the day

I have a pretty awesome dude who does his best to help me through this. Sometimes I really don’t know how he handles my insane mood swings and being my personal driver. But he does and I will be forever grateful. My son will never wake up at 5am wondering where I am again. He will never have to wake me up for school. He will never have to worry that I might not come home or watch me be arrested ever again.

I will continue to take this one day at a time. Single 24 hour blocks of time are seem doable. I have met some pretty cool people on this road. And lost some people I thought were important in my life. People who I have realized need their own help and will realize that in their own time. This road is a lot of realizations.

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sweaty and happy 😆

– Getting sober does NOT solve all of your problems. It just gives you a clear head to deal with them in a better state of mind.
– Clearing your head of the booze fog will make you see people in a completely different light. Some of those people were never your friends. They were drinking buddies. People you have nothing in common with but your love of the sauce.
– Real friends, honest to goodness, want nothing from you but love and support, friends are hard to come by. And when they do, hold on to them as hard as you can.
– YOU CAN HAVE FUN WHILE YOU ARE SOBER! This was probably the hardest thing for me to realize. The “fun” I was having with my “friends” was a sham. A lie I perpetuated to myself as a excuse for my drinking. Fun now has a different meaning. Playing soccer with Boosk. Bike rides and snuggles and family game nights.
– Waking up NOT hungover is one of the most glorious feelings in the world.
– Relapse dreams are the exact opposite.

Here’s to getting sober and staying that way. To seeing the world in a clear new light.

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99 days a mountain of stress.

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Tomorrow is 100 sober 😮😧😦😯

I got back from my second “weekend” in jail last night. B picked me up and we got burritos and all the caffeine. That dude sure knows the way to my heart. It was nice to be home and see him and the kitties and Boosk. I miss them all when I am “in the clink”. I have met a couple girls who were in for the same change who 1. got way more time and 2. had to serve it consecutively. Makes me realize how lucky I got off in this situation. But seeing all those girls facing YEARS in jail and prison makes me realize I don’t ever want to go back there. I asked B if he was ever going to leave me becasue of this crap and he asked if I planned on going back to drinking once my probation in up. I didn’t really have to think, the answer was no. I can’t socially drink. I can’t just have a couple. I am not wired that way. And when I drink I do some really asinine shit. I am enjoying shedding weight and waking up clear headed. I love being able to hang out with the kiddo and run around and not be sickly hungover.

My bank account over drafted while I was in. I forgot I had a check com

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i woke up like this.

ing out and e-deposited one to cover it too late. I love throwing away 50$ 🙄🤥 I got a call Monday saying my PO was out of town/unavalible and my meeting with her Thursday (today) was cancled and if I needed to talk with someone to call this other lady. I called to let her know I was using my inhaer again just incase for some reason it showed on any of my test. She, I guess, did NOT get the memo I would be in jail Wednesday morning and therefore could NOT call to see if my color was called (it was) or go and drop. So that was a fun voicemail to listen to upon being released.

Boosk is not having an easy time moving. He is happy he doesn’t live in an apartment anymore. Happy he has a yard. He is not happy that he has to go to his dad’s in the middle of the week while mommy has to be out of town. I will be SOOOOOOO glad when this is over. Two more weeks.

This is the part where people tell you that it gets easier and shit like that. But guess what, getting sober doesn’t solve all of your problems. Just makes you more clear headed to deal with them. They will still be there needing to be dealt with. Quitting the sauce just gives you the mindset to deal with them and get your life straight. You are still going to have shit days where you just want to slam a beer and forget about all of lives stupid issues. Money. Love. Bills. But guess what, you won’t becasue you will remember what happens. The week long bender. The even more unpaid bills. More fights with your SO.

So guess what, I will not drink with you today.

drinking culture

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Sometimes I think I see all the advertisements for alcohol because I am hypeScreen Shot 2017-04-12 at 10.55.56 PMr aware of anything booze related. It’s like there is this voice in your head screaming at you to
100% not think about “it” and therefore it is all you can see. Scrolling through my Facebook feed last night and I realized there are so many adverts for the sauce. T-shirts with silly “wine mom” sayings. I drink because of work memes. Hell, even shirts with “funny” sayings about destroying your liver 😯

An average of 88,000 people will die this year from alcohol. That doesn’t include the almost 10,000 people who will die from drinking and driving (that is 31% of all driving deaths incase you were wondering). Almost 100,000 people from a substance that is sold at ever corner store. From a substance that is celebrated on your 21st birthday. That is 100,000 preventable deaths. Yes I am aware that not everyone is an alcoholic. That there are in fact responsible drinkers. People

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Screen Shot 2017-04-12 at 10.50.13 PM who will never get behind the wheel after they have been drinking. People who will have two drinks and call it a night. But there are people who can’t. Or won’t. There are addicts. And it is time we get vocal about that. Stop the culture that says getting wasted every weekend is funny. Stop saying moms “need” or “deserve” wine because raising kids is hard. It is time we start telling our friends and family, “Hey you might have a real
problem, maybe you should get some help” and then show them where to get that help. Time we start normalizing NOT DRINKING. Brunch dates sans mimosas and parties that don’t include overflowing cups of booze.

Let’s make it ok to be sober in social gatherings. Stop normalizing booze as a lubrication needed to interact with your fellow human beings.

 

jail bird

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I spent days 90 and and 91 in county jail.

I wen to court last week.
– 48 hours of community service
– 10 days in jail (time served leaves 8)
– Sobriety court*1706412
– Hundreds of dollars in fines

I spent my first “weekend” in jail last night. I go in at 8am on Tuesday and get out on 5pm on Wednesday. It is scary and extremely boring. Being stuck in the cell was a lot of just wondering what time it was, napping, or watching cars drive by. When we were allowed out in to the “day room” where there was a clock it was a lot of me thinking about what I would be doing if I was at home. And missing Boosk and B so much it hurt. Being there made me realize I don’t ever want to do anything that will land me there. Ever again. I didn’t really talk to anyone. Which apparently made everyone want to talk to me. Orange is the New Black did not properly prepare me for what it would be like. A lot of girls were in for retail fraud and/or drugs. One girl was going through some nasty withdrawal and another girl got busted for smuggling in coke. I couldn’t imagine being there for the 20 straight days my bunk mate was looking at. I am currently back home in my own bed with my small child snuggled up next to me already getting panicky over having to go back in 5 days. I will go about my business of work and moving and soccer practice and try not to dwell on the fact.

I go in to talk to my probation officer tomorrow. I get to find out more about sobriety court*. It sounds intense and kind of terrifying, I have to call every morning and if they call my color I have to go drop. Most people get mandated to go to a certain number of AA meetings per week. But hey, at least I will get to get my license back after the 45 day hard suspension.

Between moving, work, dealing with J (baby daddy), and this weekend jail crap I am super stressed. The cravings are there, but knowing the consequences keeps me straight. I don’t want to spend a single night in that freezing cell more then I have to.

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This business ain’t for the faint of heart
I fell for the bullshit
Then I started falling apart
And by the end of the summer
I let ’em get the best of me
What a god damn bummer
What a waste of my energy

My high school boyfriend, the only guy I had every loved, the guy I wanted to marry had just called and told me he slept with my best friends little sister the week prior at his going away party. My roommate suggested we drink about it.
That’s what we did.
We drank about things.
New boyfriends/girlfriends.
Got dumped.
Good nights at work.
Bad nights at work.
You get the picture. Our house was the one that was never locked, always had beer in the fridge, tequila in the freezer, and if you showed up at any time, we were ready to party.

There was a ton of people from work over. This adorable couple that worked with us stopped by. She had to leave early but he decided to say. I should note I couldn’t remember his name if you put a gun to my head, but I will forever remember her name was Brittany. There was beer. A lot of beer. And tequila. Even more tequila. I remember coming out of my black out sitting on the couch in my room, my roommate saying “I can’t believe you fucked him!”. I was hysterical. I didn’t don’t remember a thing. How do you have sex! with someone and not remember.

Sadly that was not the first time I wouldn’t remember a sexual encounter. I once came out of a black out mid sex with a bouncer from the club I frequented. This was not an individual I would have soberly pursued let alone jumped in the sack with. I have woken up in strangers beds (guys and girls) with not a shred of an idea of what took place the night before. Sometimes fully dressed, more times not.

This all transpired before I was 21.  Before I was even legally allowed to make the decision to consume alcohol.
Binge drinking and blacking out is not part of the college experience. Waking up next to a stranger without your panties and having to go to planned parenthood for a std test and the morning after pill is not part of the college experience. Looking back at sexual encounters and wondering if that might have been date rape is not part of the college experience.

You will never get those memories back. You will never figure out what happened unless the other parties involved give you a play by play. When you are black out drunk your brain straight up loses the ability to turn short term memories into long term memories.

Enjoy college. Make friends that will last you into adult hood. Ace those finals. Go to the frat parties. Join the society. But know, YOU CAN DO IT SAFELY.

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I started 2017 off by totaling my brand new car, my kid watching me get arrested, and spending 13ish hours in the drunk tank.

Not how I wanted my year to start but it was the start I needed.
It was a wake up call.
It was the slap in the face I needed.
Those 13 hours were hell.
What am I doing with my life.
How did I get here.
Thank Thor I didn’t kill myself or even worse, someone else.
What is my baby going to think of me.

I am currently court ordered to use soberlink 3 times a day as part of my bail. The 1-2 minutes while I am waiting for my test to send are pretty stressful. Even though I know I am not drinking I still think about what a positive test could mean for me.
Jail time.
Disqualification from sober court.
Loss of my son.

The following have been helping me. Stoicism.

– It’s important that we understand the obstacles that we face and not run from them.
– It is not outside forces that make us feel something, it is what we tell ourselves that create our feelings.
– No failure, no growth. 
– When you feel resistance, use that as a cue to go forward. 
– When you’re working, be ruthlessly present.

I got myself into this mess and I will get myself though it.
I will do my 10 days in jail.
Pay my fines.
Do my community service.
Deal with my super high insurance rates.
And I will come out on the other side sober, stronger, and a better person.