kinda sorta mostly not booze related.

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About 4 years ago I started working at a bar in my city. I was ecstatic. It enveloped everything I could ever want a company to be and more. They embraced the weird and quirky of their servers and it was a family. If you had a problem you talked to Dad, our GM,  and when he left to be our Regional Dad you talked to Mom, the new GM. We felt that we mattered not only as individuals but as a team. We made too much money for what we did and we were a happy little clan.
But as companies do when they are making a lot of money, we expanded. Went corporate. Mom resisted a lot of the changes the higher ups tried to impose on us saying that we were the OG store. We were what made this possible and not to mess with success. But the time came that Mom had to move on.
We are not happy anymore. We are not a happy little clan. Everything has gone downhill. And fast. Veteran servers who have been with the company 7 plus years are getting the worst shifts while new servers are getting to close every weekend. People with open availability get shafted while people who can only work two shifts per week (closing Friday and Saturday of course) get the best shifts. Every week.
It is getting frustrating. People who have just started are getting promoted ahead of people who have put in the time and effort. All the hard work we have put in gets outshined by how frustrated and angry we are now. A lot of us have the mentality now of “why should we go above and beyond when it goes unnoticed” which is sad.
I am 30, I can not be a server forever. I should have started managing years ago. But the cash money of the floor has been seductive. I am at the point now where I need to jump ship and find a company that maybe doesn’t leave me so frustrated every day.

 

Dear lovely urine collector lady,

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I am sorry that your hawk like gaze made it hard for me to pee. I am sorry it took all 3 of my tries even after chugging 2 water bottles and a cup of coffee. I am sorry you have to spend your day watching people pee into tiny cups. I am sorry you were obviously having a bad day. I hope it gets better. I hope you get to go home, shower, and leave the pee behind.

dry drunk.

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I heard this term at an AA meeting I went to last week.

…The dry drunk may be full of resentment and anger. Instead of finding joy in their life away from alcohol, they can act as if they were serving a prison sentence. The only change this person has made is to stop drinking, but in other respects their life remains the same….. 
…a person that hasn’t touched alcohol in years, but have not yet managed to get sober…

I am trying to get my life together and see the good in being sober.
And most  of the time I succeed.
But sometimes when I am letting my mind wander “how much longer” will pop up in bold font and assault me for all its worth.
“When will this sentence end”
“When do we get to join those people at the bar again”
“When do we get to get day drunk again”
Sometimes the thoughts are so strong they result in a physical manifestation. I will get hit by them so hard I stop dead in my tracks like I just got sucker punched. In those seconds it is hard to rationalize why I am sober. I see my old drinking buddies sittinghealing-your-mind-body-and-soul-pic-2 in my old spot. Laughing, having fun. Like I used to. And in that second all I can think about is how miserable I am. How stressed and anxious. And how just one beer will fix it all. Thankfully they normally pass quickly. And I remember how amazing my body feels, how much hangovers suck, and go back to being my happy self.
But man, those seconds…

I have been slacking on my fitness due to the move. It is time to start getting back at it. Bike riding everywhere and morning runs. Endorphins always make me feel better.

103 days.

new kind of fridays

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Last night I got out of work and B picked me up by 1100pm.
We stopped to get milkshakes on the way home and lounged watching the new Bill Nye show on netflix. In bed by 1am.
It was a surreal feeling.18051703_10101864614844101_85434673_n
100 days ago I would have stayed after work and got plastered. Probably convinced myself that I was ok to drive. Woken up with a massive hangover. And been pissed that I had to wake up early for Boosk’s soccer game at 11 this morning.
It was a beautiful sunny Saturday for soccer.
The kiddo scored 3 goals and was ecstatic.

This new kinda life isn’t so bad.
101 days.

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100 god damn sober days. fuck.

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afternoon-inspiration-5
I have grown up drinking. I started when I was 18ish and never really stopped. 9 months when I was pregnant. A week or two here and there. I am 30 with 2 DUIs, a failed 7 year relationship, and absolutely no healthy coping mechanisms to speak of. I guess it is time to get

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☕️🌯

my life together and maybe learn how people live life on the sober side.

This ride has been up and down. A week or two of bliss followed by bouts of self loathing, depression, and doubt. But I am here. I show up to Boosk’s games sober and excited to be there. He doesn’t miss doctors appointments. He isn’t tardy to school. I don’t wake up every morning with dread of how I am going to make it through the day and constant guilt of what I did the night before. My bank account is fuller and bills are getting paid on time.

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13 mile bike ride to celebrate the day

I have a pretty awesome dude who does his best to help me through this. Sometimes I really don’t know how he handles my insane mood swings and being my personal driver. But he does and I will be forever grateful. My son will never wake up at 5am wondering where I am again. He will never have to wake me up for school. He will never have to worry that I might not come home or watch me be arrested ever again.

I will continue to take this one day at a time. Single 24 hour blocks of time are seem doable. I have met some pretty cool people on this road. And lost some people I thought were important in my life. People who I have realized need their own help and will realize that in their own time. This road is a lot of realizations.

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sweaty and happy 😆

– Getting sober does NOT solve all of your problems. It just gives you a clear head to deal with them in a better state of mind.
– Clearing your head of the booze fog will make you see people in a completely different light. Some of those people were never your friends. They were drinking buddies. People you have nothing in common with but your love of the sauce.
– Real friends, honest to goodness, want nothing from you but love and support, friends are hard to come by. And when they do, hold on to them as hard as you can.
– YOU CAN HAVE FUN WHILE YOU ARE SOBER! This was probably the hardest thing for me to realize. The “fun” I was having with my “friends” was a sham. A lie I perpetuated to myself as a excuse for my drinking. Fun now has a different meaning. Playing soccer with Boosk. Bike rides and snuggles and family game nights.
– Waking up NOT hungover is one of the most glorious feelings in the world.
– Relapse dreams are the exact opposite.

Here’s to getting sober and staying that way. To seeing the world in a clear new light.

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99 days a mountain of stress.

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Tomorrow is 100 sober 😮😧😦😯

I got back from my second “weekend” in jail last night. B picked me up and we got burritos and all the caffeine. That dude sure knows the way to my heart. It was nice to be home and see him and the kitties and Boosk. I miss them all when I am “in the clink”. I have met a couple girls who were in for the same change who 1. got way more time and 2. had to serve it consecutively. Makes me realize how lucky I got off in this situation. But seeing all those girls facing YEARS in jail and prison makes me realize I don’t ever want to go back there. I asked B if he was ever going to leave me becasue of this crap and he asked if I planned on going back to drinking once my probation in up. I didn’t really have to think, the answer was no. I can’t socially drink. I can’t just have a couple. I am not wired that way. And when I drink I do some really asinine shit. I am enjoying shedding weight and waking up clear headed. I love being able to hang out with the kiddo and run around and not be sickly hungover.

My bank account over drafted while I was in. I forgot I had a check com

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i woke up like this.

ing out and e-deposited one to cover it too late. I love throwing away 50$ 🙄🤥 I got a call Monday saying my PO was out of town/unavalible and my meeting with her Thursday (today) was cancled and if I needed to talk with someone to call this other lady. I called to let her know I was using my inhaer again just incase for some reason it showed on any of my test. She, I guess, did NOT get the memo I would be in jail Wednesday morning and therefore could NOT call to see if my color was called (it was) or go and drop. So that was a fun voicemail to listen to upon being released.

Boosk is not having an easy time moving. He is happy he doesn’t live in an apartment anymore. Happy he has a yard. He is not happy that he has to go to his dad’s in the middle of the week while mommy has to be out of town. I will be SOOOOOOO glad when this is over. Two more weeks.

This is the part where people tell you that it gets easier and shit like that. But guess what, getting sober doesn’t solve all of your problems. Just makes you more clear headed to deal with them. They will still be there needing to be dealt with. Quitting the sauce just gives you the mindset to deal with them and get your life straight. You are still going to have shit days where you just want to slam a beer and forget about all of lives stupid issues. Money. Love. Bills. But guess what, you won’t becasue you will remember what happens. The week long bender. The even more unpaid bills. More fights with your SO.

So guess what, I will not drink with you today.

drinking culture

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Sometimes I think I see all the advertisements for alcohol because I am hypeScreen Shot 2017-04-12 at 10.55.56 PMr aware of anything booze related. It’s like there is this voice in your head screaming at you to
100% not think about “it” and therefore it is all you can see. Scrolling through my Facebook feed last night and I realized there are so many adverts for the sauce. T-shirts with silly “wine mom” sayings. I drink because of work memes. Hell, even shirts with “funny” sayings about destroying your liver 😯

An average of 88,000 people will die this year from alcohol. That doesn’t include the almost 10,000 people who will die from drinking and driving (that is 31% of all driving deaths incase you were wondering). Almost 100,000 people from a substance that is sold at ever corner store. From a substance that is celebrated on your 21st birthday. That is 100,000 preventable deaths. Yes I am aware that not everyone is an alcoholic. That there are in fact responsible drinkers. People

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Screen Shot 2017-04-12 at 10.50.13 PM who will never get behind the wheel after they have been drinking. People who will have two drinks and call it a night. But there are people who can’t. Or won’t. There are addicts. And it is time we get vocal about that. Stop the culture that says getting wasted every weekend is funny. Stop saying moms “need” or “deserve” wine because raising kids is hard. It is time we start telling our friends and family, “Hey you might have a real
problem, maybe you should get some help” and then show them where to get that help. Time we start normalizing NOT DRINKING. Brunch dates sans mimosas and parties that don’t include overflowing cups of booze.

Let’s make it ok to be sober in social gatherings. Stop normalizing booze as a lubrication needed to interact with your fellow human beings.