65 days sober.

It’s  probably the longest I have been continuously sober since I started drinking. 65 days. Two months. Nine weeks. 1560 hours. Not a long time in the scheme of life. But to me, it has been the most trying, emotionally crushing time I have experienced in my life.

The first couple weeks, hell, eve the first month was amazing. I was walking around in the haze of not being hungover for the first time in years. Life was bright, shiney, and I was loving every second of it. I started going to the gym daily. I dropped 20 pounds. I wore jeans for the first time in a year without wanting to hide or slice my fat off with a rusty knife. I was happy. This was going to be cake.

Then the dreams started.
They started out silly at first.
I forgot I was sober and had a sample at work. Whoops. No big deal, it was just a sip.
They got worse.
And fast.
I forgot to test (court mandated PBT testing 3 times a day is part of my bail) and got set to jail. No one knew where I was, my son was terrified. People thought I was dead.
I relapsed and got wasted and killed someone while driving home.
I relapsed and hurt my son.
I relapsed and…
You get the point.
When I napped.
I could not get sleep. Which lead to a deepening depression. I didn’t want to talk to anyone. I didn’t want to go to work. I just wanted to lay in bed a cry.

I wish I could say they have stopped, but that is not the case. They have gotten less intense. I can sleep now. I don’t wake up in a panic as much now. But now the regret, shame, and self hatred has set in. I go over all the shit I did and didn’t do when I was in the height of my drinking career. The school meetings and doctors appointments my son missed becasue of me. The random beds and couches I woke up on. Countless times I drove home kidding myself I was fine. The situations that could have led to my rape and murder (sorry I watch a lot of SVU). I go over and over them like a check list before I can go to sleep at night or get out of bed in the morning. I have panic attacks about it.

largeThis hyper emotional stage will pass. Just like all the other have. I will balance out. I will be ok. I will move on. This too is just a bump in the road of recovery.

65 day difference. Imagine what 100 can do.

2 thoughts on “

  1. First of all, big congrats to you on 65 days. That is no easy feat. Second, your transformation photos are unreal! What a difference recovery can make.

    Those dreams sound so unpleasant, and I’m sorry they’ve been causing you such pain. I know it might not make you feel any better for me to say this, but such intense dreams are just part of the normal process for people. F

    Liked by 1 person

    • jurassicnanc

      Thank you so much. I have been hitting the gym a lot. And as I don’t have a car it forces me to walk and bike everywhere.
      I do take solace that most people have gone through the dreams. And I know they will pass. Sadly it doesn’t make them easier.


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