worst weekend ever

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I think I am finally recovered from the weekend. AFter sleeping most of Monday and eating some of my feelings and killing myself at the gym and watching lots of Sword Art Online.
Work was, well there are no words to describe how bad work was. Yes I made money, but at the cost of my sanity and soul.
My mom was supposed to watch Boosk for the weekend. She however decided that getting wasted was more important. After being asked countless times to NOT drink while she has him she decided that she was a “grown adult” and could do whatever she wanted. I didn’t want to take the chance so he just stayed at his dad’s house. Normally that wouldn’t be an issue, but he had to work so Boosk was there with his wife all weekend. They do not get along. We have polar opposite ways on how we raise our kids and she does not know how to deal with a kid who has ADHD. Cue me being power called by him while I am getting rocked at work.giphy

Sunday night, after closing (2am) after expecting to be done by midnight I just wanted to go home and crash. Of course I didn’t have my bike and there was not a Lyft or Uber in site. An old coworker offered me a ride home. I had the biggest drunken crush on this guy. He was a straight up asshole and I loved it. He wouldn’t give me the time of day when he was sober but as soon as he was drunk I was his favorite person. He asked a little about what made me get sober. I told him I just needed a break. 15 years in this industry means 15 years of heavy drinking. I wasn’t trying to die before I was 50. He kept saying he needed to quit drinking, that he hated himself when he was drunk. And then he apologized for everything that happened between us. The way he treated me. They way he used me. I deserved better from him. From myself.
Drunk Nanc would have brushed it off, told him no big deal.
But I’m not drunk.
So I didn’t brush it off.
Instead I said “Yeah I do deserve better than you.”giphy1

It was an awkward ride after that.

But I do deserve better. From him, from myself. And it is time I demand it and don’t accept anything less.

Today Boosk had a “Welcome to our Classroom” music performance. It was adorable and made my heart sing with joy. Moments like this make me so grateful and happy and proud that I am not drunk/hungover anymore. I was able to enjoy all the squeaky recorders and off key songs with a smile on my face instead of a splitting headache.

76 DAYS SOBER

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How open should you be with your kids about your drinking problems, recovery, struggles, etc. I know it depends on the age. Boosk is 8. We have always had a “read/watch watch what you want” policy. My mom never sensored me when I was younger and I was very grateful. Yeah I read and watched some scary shit, but she was always there to answer any questions, calm any fear I may have had.

I had to go to a victim’s impact panel (see the gnarly graphic video I had to watch below) for my sentance. Boosk got drug along as I didn’t have a sitter. He sat in the hallway but was very inquisitive about what it was and why I had to go. I explained to him that it was a V.I.P. showing the bad things that can happen if you chose to drink and drive and that mommy had made some mistakes so she had to go to be reminded of what those consequences could be. We talked a little about how drinking and driving could lead you to go to jail, lose your license, or even not be able to drive ever again. And that was that, we were on to pokemon go and bike rides.

I guess the question is, how did you handle talking to your kiddos about it. Or did you? Did you let them come to you or sit them down?

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71 days.
71 mornings without a hangover.

Days like today make me wonder why I ever spent so many years in the bottle.
Why I ever let something as trivial as alcohol steal so many days from me.
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A coworker congratulated me on my 70 days last night, and asked what my long term plans were. I said I would have to get back to him when I knew.

I know I have another year or more of court order sobriety left. After that it is all up to my willpower.
Will I even crave it after a year and a half?
What will my life be then?

But in the meantime I am going to keep working out and eating healthy.
Living my day one day at a time.
Celebrating the small things.
And giving my son as many kisses and hugs as I possibly can.

“What’s comin’ will come, an’ we’ll meet it when it does.”

days like this

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I am laying here in bed with my son passed out next to me, thinking about the day, almost in tears. And as I process the feelings I am having and wonder why I am so emotional, I realize, these are happy tears. I had a wonderful day. I haven’t felt like this in a long time.

I spent the day with Chels and baby Hank. We just “adulted” and drank coffee together.Having someone you can do absolutely nothing with is probably the one thing I would recommend to anyone in recovery. They let you just sit in silence and spew whatever comes to mind and don’t force you to do anything but just be. She listened to all the feelings I have been having the last couple weeks. Depression, apathy, exhaustion, sadness, and just reminded me that it is all temporary, that I am making progress.

I surprised the baby tonight by not having to work. We decided that the Spring Equinox needed to be celebrated with cake and ice cream. 20170320_180053_1490047636421Boosk even got to pick it out. B came over after work and helped us celebrate and hung out for a bit. We have both been so stressed and it has been a long week without seeing him so I was happy to snuggle him even for an hour. Boosk weaseled his way into bed with me (like it is so hard). He spent the weekend at his dad’s and he is usually pretty mom needy when he gets home.

Days like this make recovery easy. Screenshot_20170320-225658
Days like this make me think that it will all be okay.
Days like this are what I need to think about when I am down in the trenches fighting for every hour sober.

 

 

 

 

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Triple GoddessThe spring equinox opens the veil between the physical and the spiritual so that a resurrection in our lives can be inaugurated.   The keynote of this season is creation.  It is the drive to move our lives upward, like a seed pushing forth out of the earth into the air.  The spring is the time when the creative powers we have been nurturing through the winter can be expressed to initiate a new world of opportunities for ourselves.

The first month of my sobriety was perfect. Everything was shiney and new and NO HANGOVERS! I was feeling emotions for the first time in a long time. I was on cloud nine. The second month… garbage. The newness has worn off. I am bored. The cravings are still there. While less intense throughout the day, they sneak up on me and hit my like a mack truck leaving me breathless. I guess they say “the pink cloud has worn off”.  I am in the midst of moving

Photo on 3-20-17 at 1.47 PM #2

cheer up buttercup

and I am feeling suffocated in my apartment. Court dates are looming and giving me mass anxiety. Blah, blah, whine, blah. I could go on about this and that and how awful it is right now. But honestly, IT’S NOT THAT BAD. I have a job with managers who are willing to work with me and my situations. I have a job that allows me to pay my bills. I have a boyfriend who, while can be a bone head sometimes, loves me and is 900% supportive of the fact that I am about to do some time in the clink. My son is loved and fed and healthy. My friends are amazing.

I am using this change in the season to force myself into a new perspective.
Life is in fact, NOT. THAT. BAD.
Take my sobriety day by day.
Live in the moment.
Get out of the house.
BE HAPPY.

if you can get sober, anyone can

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The majority of people who know I am getting sober have been extremely supportive. Wanting nothing but the best for me. Save for a few intrusive “but why’s”, they have taken the news in stride and moved on.
There have been a few…. cunts however.
“Oh, ok, we’ll see how long it last this time.”
“Come on, just one, I won’t tell anyone.”
“But how are we supposed to hang out now?”
and probably my favorite,
“If you can get sober, anyone catext2image_L38827_20170319_071003n.”

It is more socially acceptable to be wasted every night then it is to be sober in this industry. When people first started noticing I was no longer “the life of the party”, that I was no longer partaking in after work beers till 4am, or that I was not having my pre shift “samples”, the rumor mill went into hyper drive. After my accident, I didn’t tell many people I quit drinking, I just quit hanging out at work. I still have not divulged the events that led to this forced sobriety to many, but I have been much more open about the fact that I am sober. Most people being debbie downers are people I have spent many nights getting blasted with. Part of me wonders if they are lashing out becasue they have lost a drinking buddy or possibly the fact that my soberness is making them face the fact that they to may have issues with alcohol. In an industry that revolves around booze it is no surprise that a majority of its workers have issues with binge drinking and long term alcoholism. It also makes me wonder why my “friends” never mentioned they thought I had a problem with alcohol until after I got sober..

Sorry this is so scattered. It is 3:30am and I just got out of work.

Have you guys had any nay-sayers on your roads to recovery? What did you say? How did you handle it?

Side note: has anyone had to deal with a Soberlink system as part of their recovery. Check back tomorrow, I have a whole rant about it.

 

But since your heads in the clouds, the best advice I found is don’t look down

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I went to a show last night. More importantly, my first show since getting sober.

I love shows. But I’ve been to many a shows I could not tell you a single song they played. It was a surreal experience to go to the show. Be in the pit. Sing every song. And go home to bed directly after. On SPD even.

There is something cathartic about punk rock shows. Getting half crushed in the pit. Kicked in the head by crowd surfers. Going deaf from the whole venue screaming every word. But my favorite part, feeling every note played in your head and heart.

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