and before you start with the
“oh no, you are beautiful” bull crap,
like in the last 2 years i have gained 50 pounds.
i don’t own jeans becasue i am so big the are physically uncomfortable,
and the sight of myself in them make me absolutely suicidal.
i have blacked out more this year from getting so drunk that i don’t even know who i am any more.
who even knows what i did while i was blacked out.
better yet, who i did.
i feel like absolute shit. i don’t even know who i am.
i can’t do this anymore.
this life is.
the constant hangover.
the insane weight,
both physically and mentally i am carrying.
i have tried the whole month sober.
i have tried setting rules,
only drinking when the baby was gone.
only having 2 drinks.
but, it’s a slippery slope.
i can’t handle it.
i have a problem.
how can i expect anyone to love me when i absolutely loath myself?