i’m fat.


and before you start with the
“oh no, you are beautiful” bull crap,

like in the last 2 years i have gained 50 pounds.
i don’t own jeans becasue i am so big the are physically uncomfortable,
and the sight of myself in them make me absolutely suicidal.

i have blacked out more this year from getting so drunk that i don’t even know who i am any more.
who even knows what i did while i was blacked out.
better yet, who i did.
i feel like absolute shit. i don’t even know who i am.

i can’t do this anymore.
this life is.
the constant hangover.
the insane weight,
both physically and mentally i am carrying.

i have tried the whole month sober.
i have tried setting rules,
only drinking when the baby was gone.
only having 2 drinks.

but, it’s a slippery slope.
i can’t handle it.
i have a problem.

7 Things I Learned During My Year Without Alcohol

how can i expect anyone to love me when i absolutely loath myself?

5 thoughts on “i’m fat.

  1. It never helps yet i constantly keep on telling myself and everyone around me to take a break and not be too hard on yourself. The truth remains you can never take a break and not be too hard on yourself. A feeling of worthlessness continuously lingers. You can’t really help it. It’s like there’s a simultaneous battle going on in your head to change yourself and also be comfortable in your skin. It’s tiring. You end up with too contradictory thoughts, often times leaving you incapable of even getting out of bed. You feel like sleeping and never waking up.
    The thing is you’re not the only one. And this serves as a reason to keep on going for a lot of us. Keep trying to change yourself. If you fail, don’t worry. Many have failed and a lot of them decided to not give up. So, dont give up or do. It’s up to you. But, always remember “its not over till you say its over”. 🙂


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