Standard

i have been on the verge of a full blown panic attack for a couple days now.
heart trying to escape my chest.
shortness of breath,
fighting the onslaught of tears i don’t know if i will be able to stop.
and the worst part, the horrible thoughts about myself and my life i can’t see to keep at bay.

today my mom text me that her and my step father (they have been married since 2000) got into a fight and he slapped and choked her.
what the actual fuck.
she is drunk and starting shit with his kids.
i have told her a thousand times not to even contact them, but she never listens. especially when she is drinking.
i called and he answers and i talk with him for a minute. he says the only reason he has stayed for the last 5 or so years is becasue of my brother and i.
what the actual fuck.
why do people feel the need to stay in a shitty relationship becasue of kids? i will never understand.

not sure this on coming attack is gonna stay at bay much longer.

 

Standard

i got my first industry job when i was 17. a hostess.
and i have been in this industry, save 3 years when i managed a lowes, my whole adult life. i am 30.
that is 13 years. you would think that by now people would grasp the fact that no, i do not know when i will be walking out the door. no, i do not know when i will be done with work. and no, i do not know when my last table is going to leave.
but yet, my sons father who i have known for 9 of those 13 years still feels the need to text and call me about 15 times a shift asking when i am getting out.
“your son is anxious to come home. when will you be out? he wants to know right now.”
no, YOU want to know right now. why is he so anxious to leave your house? what did you do?
the panic attack i was on the verge of all day yesterday was teetering on explosion after this interaction.

untitled

Standard

we’re all longing for a connection.
simple conversation.
a hug.
friendship.
love.
hell, even an acquaintance.

but that first step,
the saying hello.
asking someone out.
that fist step,
it’s hell.

take a breath.
smile.
be yourself.
get over the soul crushing fear of rejection.

be brave.
take chances.
put yourself out there.
do it.
or die alone.

 

untitled

Standard

DRINK
DRANK
DRUNK

one sip and your inhibitions lower just like your jeans.
one sip and the whispers of doubt turn in to the song of slithering sloppy mating.
the person you said “hi” to in passing becomes all you can think about.
you want them.
no, you NEED them.
their skin pressed against yours.
their tongue leaving sticky hot trails of drunken desire.
in the moment this is what you desire most in life.

DRUNK
DRANK
DRINK

slivers of sunlight set off the pounding of drums in you head.
head spinning, stomach churning, you wonder where you are.
silently you gather your belonging, slipping out in to the quiet daybreak.
not until you get home is it you realize you have left your dignity.

depression.

Standard

desperately trying to pull my self out of bed.
out of this haze.
i should get up.
i should be productive.
i should.
i should.

but these blankets are so damn warm,
and this bed is holding me hostage.
refusing to let me escape into a happier world.
a happier state of mind.

instead i’ll go over my failures in life one by one.
i’ll start with that time i was ten and stole a ring from the hospital gift shop.
and inevitably end with how much i am failing as a parent.

it’s like a fog that consumes my brain.
my soul.
all accomplishments vanish.
not a single good deed remains.
instead; the screw-ups,
the hatred,
the negativity.
every evil i have ever committed.

bike commuting gripes.

Standard

when i decided to forgo the car in the spring, summer, and fall months as my main way to work i did a ton of research.
– what kind of bike did i need?
– tips and tricks from hard core bikers?
– what kind of gear did i need?
– what about rain/snow/sleet/shine (hey, i’m from michigan, those all happen in one day!)?
every blog i read was from people who’s job required them to sit at a desk. so the fact that they rode 10+ miles to work was kind of moot.
i am a server. my whole 10 hour shift is spent on my feet and running around like a crazy person and sometimes like a chicken with my head cut off. not one blog covered “how to bike commute when your job is active”. the tips and tricks and what gear parts of everything i read was great. they didn’t however, tell you that after working for 10 hours and getting out at 3am that you would be 100% exhausted and you still have to get yourself and your bike home. so here is what i learned from my year of bike commuting while being a server.
– the first month sucks –
you are still getting used to riding any semblance of distance. your butt and crotch area take some getting used to that bike saddle. and learning to deal with traffic (read the bike laws in your area!) in not fun. also finding the right gears that are comfortable for you take some time.
– you will have more energy –
after biking for a few weeks i realized i was way more peppy when i got to work and the energy lasted much longer through my shift. as elle woods said “Exercise gives you endorphins. Endorphins make you happy. Happy people just don’t shoot their husbands, they just don’t.” or in this case coworkers.
– 3am is not as scary as it seems –
i have rode home at all hours from midnight to 4am. and honestly anytime after 2am is less scary and safer i think. all the drunk people are safely home and off the streets. it is quiet and calm and sometimes you can start to hear the birds waking up!
– there will be nights that you dread that ride home –
it’s a friday night and there was a concert in town. you did 2500$ in sales and your feet feel like they are going to fall off. yeah, i’ve been there. and the last thing you want to worry about if riding home. you have some options. a) leave your bike at work and uber, get a ride, take a cab home. or b) hop on your bike and take your frustrations of the night out on the streets. chances are if you chose b that before you get half way home you will feel a hundred times better.
– you will want to drink/smoke less –
i’ve ridden home half drunk after smoking a pack of cigarettes. i have ridden to work so hungover i have had to stop to throw up. neither of them are fun. or safe. that beer and smoke after work seems like too much work when you remember that you have to get your bike home. and even if you decide to have them, you won’t want to get drunk because you will never forget the first time you crash into a stand still object because you were too drunk to see it.

even after all that, i love bike commuting. i save a ton of money on gas and parking. it’s fun, and hell, if you miss a day at the gym, you still have that bike commute to get some cardio in.