My life has become a whirlwind of probation meetings, court ordered AA meetings, court dates, and counseling meetings. Sometimes it gets almost unmanageable. Boosk leaves for school at 7:30am and I have to leave ASAP to make it to testing on time. Then to my 9am AA meeting and then to any other court ordered appointments. Plus Boosk has soccer and any other school related activities. It is exhausting. I am pretty tired all the time. I am trying to work out and go to the gym as well but sometimes it gets hard. Oh did I mention I still have to bike everywhere because I don’t have a car/can’t drive still.
Also, my tiny panther kitty Katara died very suddenly yesterday. She was fine when B and I left in the morning. My brother and I found her dead in the afternoon. Boosk and I did not handle it well. She was our baby. I miss her already. We are going to bury her in the yard. Boosk really wants another cat, but we still have 3. I want him to properly mourn her before he tries to replace her right away.
Sorry, I just needed a minute to whine.
Other than the crazy schedule and the poor Katara business life has been decent. I am meeting my new psych doctor in the next month and starting new bipolar meds. I am looking forward to that. It is getting hard to deal with my depressive states more and more. I met my court ordered counselor today. She is nice. We started talking about long term sobriety. People in my AA meetings talk about being sober for 30-40+ years 😶 I love how amazing I feel currently being sober. Waking up hangover free. Losing weight. My moods are much more balanced-ish. I know I have at least a year of “forced” sobriety. After that… After that I have NO idea where my life will go. Thinking about NEVER drinking another IPA or a whiskey makes me anxious. I guess that is why they say, one day at a time, right? She wants me to read Staying Sober: A Guide for Relapse Prevention and we can discuss it in our sessions.
Today is 131 days and I am looking forward to 131 more.
1/3 of a year.
I am not sure how I made it here. To this point but I have. My life doesn’t look like it used to 4 months ago. That is for damn sure.
I am not getting collection calls at home and work. My bills get paid on time. i have money in my bank account. I go to bed at a reasonable time. Hell, even 930 sometimes. My energy is endless and I have finally managed to lose some weight.
About 4 years ago I started working at a bar in my city. I was ecstatic. It enveloped everything I could ever want a company to be and more. They embraced the weird and quirky of their servers and it was a family. If you had a problem you talked to Dad, our GM, and when he left to be our Regional Dad you talked to Mom, the new GM. We felt that we mattered not only as individuals but as a team. We made too much money for what we did and we were a happy little clan.
But as companies do when they are making a lot of money, we expanded. Went corporate. Mom resisted a lot of the changes the higher ups tried to impose on us saying that we were the OG store. We were what made this possible and not to mess with success. But the time came that Mom had to move on.
We are not happy anymore. We are not a happy little clan. Everything has gone downhill. And fast. Veteran servers who have been with the company 7 plus years are getting the worst shifts while new servers are getting to close every weekend. People with open availability get shafted while people who can only work two shifts per week (closing Friday and Saturday of course) get the best shifts. Every week.
It is getting frustrating. People who have just started are getting promoted ahead of people who have put in the time and effort. All the hard work we have put in gets outshined by how frustrated and angry we are now. A lot of us have the mentality now of “why should we go above and beyond when it goes unnoticed” which is sad.
I am 30, I can not be a server forever. I should have started managing years ago. But the cash money of the floor has been seductive. I am at the point now where I need to jump ship and find a company that maybe doesn’t leave me so frustrated every day.
I am sorry that your hawk like gaze made it hard for me to pee. I am sorry it took all 3 of my tries even after chugging 2 water bottles and a cup of coffee. I am sorry you have to spend your day watching people pee into tiny cups. I am sorry you were obviously having a bad day. I hope it gets better. I hope you get to go home, shower, and leave the pee behind.
I am trying to get my life together and see the good in being sober.
And most of the time I succeed.
But sometimes when I am letting my mind wander “how much longer” will pop up in bold font and assault me for all its worth.
“When will this sentence end”
“When do we get to join those people at the bar again”
“When do we get to get day drunk again”
Sometimes the thoughts are so strong they result in a physical manifestation. I will get hit by them so hard I stop dead in my tracks like I just got sucker punched. In those seconds it is hard to rationalize why I am sober. I see my old drinking buddies sitting in my old spot. Laughing, having fun. Like I used to. And in that second all I can think about is how miserable I am. How stressed and anxious. And how just one beer will fix it all. Thankfully they normally pass quickly. And I remember how amazing my body feels, how much hangovers suck, and go back to being my happy self.
But man, those seconds…
I have been slacking on my fitness due to the move. It is time to start getting back at it. Bike riding everywhere and morning runs. Endorphins always make me feel better.
Last night I got out of work and B picked me up by 1100pm.
We stopped to get milkshakes on the way home and lounged watching the new Bill Nye show on netflix. In bed by 1am.
It was a surreal feeling.
100 days ago I would have stayed after work and got plastered. Probably convinced myself that I was ok to drive. Woken up with a massive hangover. And been pissed that I had to wake up early for Boosk’s soccer game at 11 this morning.
It was a beautiful sunny Saturday for soccer.
The kiddo scored 3 goals and was ecstatic.
I have grown up drinking. I started when I was 18ish and never really stopped. 9 months when I was pregnant. A week or two here and there. I am 30 with 2 DUIs, a failed 7 year relationship, and absolutely no healthy coping mechanisms to speak of. I guess it is time to get
my life together and maybe learn how people live life on the sober side.
This ride has been up and down. A week or two of bliss followed by bouts of self loathing, depression, and doubt. But I am here. I show up to Boosk’s games sober and excited to be there. He doesn’t miss doctors appointments. He isn’t tardy to school. I don’t wake up every morning with dread of how I am going to make it through the day and constant guilt of what I did the night before. My bank account is fuller and bills are getting paid on time.
13 mile bike ride to celebrate the day
I have a pretty awesome dude who does his best to help me through this. Sometimes I really don’t know how he handles my insane mood swings and being my personal driver. But he does and I will be forever grateful. My son will never wake up at 5am wondering where I am again. He will never have to wake me up for school. He will never have to worry that I might not come home or watch me be arrested ever again.
I will continue to take this one day at a time. Single 24 hour blocks of time are seem doable. I have met some pretty cool people on this road. And lost some people I thought were important in my life. People who I have realized need their own help and will realize that in their own time. This road is a lot of realizations.
sweaty and happy 😆
– Getting sober does NOT solve all of your problems. It just gives you a clear head to deal with them in a better state of mind.
– Clearing your head of the booze fog will make you see people in a completely different light. Some of those people were never your friends. They were drinking buddies. People you have nothing in common with but your love of the sauce.
– Real friends, honest to goodness, want nothing from you but love and support, friends are hard to come by. And when they do, hold on to them as hard as you can.
– YOU CAN HAVE FUN WHILE YOU ARE SOBER! This was probably the hardest thing for me to realize. The “fun” I was having with my “friends” was a sham. A lie I perpetuated to myself as a excuse for my drinking. Fun now has a different meaning. Playing soccer with Boosk. Bike rides and snuggles and family game nights.
– Waking up NOT hungover is one of the most glorious feelings in the world.
– Relapse dreams are the exact opposite.
Here’s to getting sober and staying that way. To seeing the world in a clear new light.