Hi. Hello. I am still alive…

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…and SOBERAF 🙂

Summer is such a crazy time in our house! Boosk is on summer vacation and it is also B and I’s most busy times of the year at work. So I have been working mad crazy hours and when I am not trying to catch up on sleep, spend as much time outside with Boosk, and go to meetings.

I hit 6 months sober on the 11th of this month.
It is crazy. I am diagnosed BiPolar and it is just insane how being sober allows me to feel and be more aware of my manic and depressive states. I have the sound mind to know when I am in a depressive state and tell myself that it will be over soon. It also makes them less intense, which I am a big fan of.

I got into a wicked bike accident a week ago. My brakes failed and I bashed up my leg and ankle pretty bad. It all ended well though as I got a new bike out of the deal.

I also have been busy with a project that is pretty near and dear to my heart and soul. I have mentioned before I work in a bar and am in sobriety court and am trying to maintain my sobriety and recovery. Very many well meaning people have told me that I will have to leave my industry to fully recover. That being surrounded by alcohol will not allow me to recovery 100%. So I started a bar/restaurant recovery group.
It is a faith free recovery group for people surrounded by alcohol on the daily that are trying to achieve and maintain sobriety. Our first meeting is at the end of this month and I have gotten so much response from it already! People are sharing it like crazy. I got interviewed by the local webzine.
I AM SO EXCITED.

But alas, I just realized I have cheese in my hair and have to be to work soon.

Happy SOBER Sunday my nuggets.

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My life has become a whirlwind of probation meetings, court ordered AA meetings, court dates, and counseling meetings. Sometimes it gets almost unmanageable. Boosk leaves for school at 7:30am and I have to leave ASAP to make it to testing on time. Then to my 9am AA meeting and then to any other court ordered appointments. Plus Boosk has soccer and any other school related activities. It is exhausting. I am pretty tired all the time. I am trying to work out and go to the gym as well but sometimes it gets hard. Oh did I mention I still have to bike everywhere because I don’t have a car/can’t IMG_2565drive still.

Also, my tiny panther kitty Katara died very suddenly yesterday. She was fine when B and I left in the morning. My brother and I found her dead in the afternoon. Boosk and I did not handle it well. She was our baby. I miss her already. We are going to bury her in the yard. Boosk really wants another cat, but we still have 3. I want him to properly mourn her before he tries to replace her right away.

Photo on 5-23-17 at 1.45 PMSorry, I just needed a minute to whine.
Other than the crazy schedule and the poor Katara business life has been decent.  I am meeting my new psych doctor in the next month and starting new bipolar meds. I am looking forward to that. It is getting hard to deal with my depressive states more and more. I met my court ordered counselor today. She is nice. We started talking about long term sobriety. People in my AA meetings talk about being sober for 30-40+ years 😶 I love how amazing I feel currently being sober. Waking up hangover free. Losing weight. My moods are much more balanced-ish. I know I have at least a year of “forced” sobriety. After that… After that I have NO idea where my life will go. Thinking about NEVER drinking another IPA or a whiskey makes me anxious. I guess that is why they say, one day at a time, right? She wants me to read Staying Sober: A Guide for Relapse Prevention and we can discuss it in our sessions.

Today is 131 days and I am looking forward to 131 more.

 

4 months.

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1/3 of a year.
120 days.
2,880 hours.
172,800 Minutes.

I am not sure how I made it here. To this point but I have. My life doesn’t look like it used to 4 months ago. That is for damn sure.
I am not getting collection calls at home and work. My bills get paid on time. i have money in my bank account. I go to bed at a reasonable time. Hell, even 930 sometimes. My energy is endless and I have finally managed to lose some weight.

Yet sometimes, man I want a frickin beer.

kinda sorta mostly not booze related.

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About 4 years ago I started working at a bar in my city. I was ecstatic. It enveloped everything I could ever want a company to be and more. They embraced the weird and quirky of their servers and it was a family. If you had a problem you talked to Dad, our GM,  and when he left to be our Regional Dad you talked to Mom, the new GM. We felt that we mattered not only as individuals but as a team. We made too much money for what we did and we were a happy little clan.
But as companies do when they are making a lot of money, we expanded. Went corporate. Mom resisted a lot of the changes the higher ups tried to impose on us saying that we were the OG store. We were what made this possible and not to mess with success. But the time came that Mom had to move on.
We are not happy anymore. We are not a happy little clan. Everything has gone downhill. And fast. Veteran servers who have been with the company 7 plus years are getting the worst shifts while new servers are getting to close every weekend. People with open availability get shafted while people who can only work two shifts per week (closing Friday and Saturday of course) get the best shifts. Every week.
It is getting frustrating. People who have just started are getting promoted ahead of people who have put in the time and effort. All the hard work we have put in gets outshined by how frustrated and angry we are now. A lot of us have the mentality now of “why should we go above and beyond when it goes unnoticed” which is sad.
I am 30, I can not be a server forever. I should have started managing years ago. But the cash money of the floor has been seductive. I am at the point now where I need to jump ship and find a company that maybe doesn’t leave me so frustrated every day.

 

Dear lovely urine collector lady,

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I am sorry that your hawk like gaze made it hard for me to pee. I am sorry it took all 3 of my tries even after chugging 2 water bottles and a cup of coffee. I am sorry you have to spend your day watching people pee into tiny cups. I am sorry you were obviously having a bad day. I hope it gets better. I hope you get to go home, shower, and leave the pee behind.

dry drunk.

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I heard this term at an AA meeting I went to last week.

…The dry drunk may be full of resentment and anger. Instead of finding joy in their life away from alcohol, they can act as if they were serving a prison sentence. The only change this person has made is to stop drinking, but in other respects their life remains the same….. 
…a person that hasn’t touched alcohol in years, but have not yet managed to get sober…

I am trying to get my life together and see the good in being sober.
And most  of the time I succeed.
But sometimes when I am letting my mind wander “how much longer” will pop up in bold font and assault me for all its worth.
“When will this sentence end”
“When do we get to join those people at the bar again”
“When do we get to get day drunk again”
Sometimes the thoughts are so strong they result in a physical manifestation. I will get hit by them so hard I stop dead in my tracks like I just got sucker punched. In those seconds it is hard to rationalize why I am sober. I see my old drinking buddies sittinghealing-your-mind-body-and-soul-pic-2 in my old spot. Laughing, having fun. Like I used to. And in that second all I can think about is how miserable I am. How stressed and anxious. And how just one beer will fix it all. Thankfully they normally pass quickly. And I remember how amazing my body feels, how much hangovers suck, and go back to being my happy self.
But man, those seconds…

I have been slacking on my fitness due to the move. It is time to start getting back at it. Bike riding everywhere and morning runs. Endorphins always make me feel better.

103 days.

new kind of fridays

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Last night I got out of work and B picked me up by 1100pm.
We stopped to get milkshakes on the way home and lounged watching the new Bill Nye show on netflix. In bed by 1am.
It was a surreal feeling.18051703_10101864614844101_85434673_n
100 days ago I would have stayed after work and got plastered. Probably convinced myself that I was ok to drive. Woken up with a massive hangover. And been pissed that I had to wake up early for Boosk’s soccer game at 11 this morning.
It was a beautiful sunny Saturday for soccer.
The kiddo scored 3 goals and was ecstatic.

This new kinda life isn’t so bad.
101 days.

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